After I do.....what if I don't?

The first time that I met my new children, my husband and I weren't married yet.  It was actually just a short time before we married, because our courtship was a whirlwind adventure.  Five months from meeting we were married.

This first meeting, however, was exhausting.  From the moment I met the girls, Samantha and Brooklyn, they wanted to be held.  They were clingy, needy and demanding.  Fox was a little standoffish, not knowing what to expect or how to interact with me.

My back was hurting this particular day, I had been a cop for about 7 1/2 - 8 years and overtime I had developed some back issues due to the vest.  Samantha was five and was wanting a back ride.  I told her maybe in a little while and she continued to persist.

A little while later, she tugged on my shirt and demanded. "I want a back ride now!"  I got down on eye level with her and I said, "little girl, you will not talk to me like that, do you understand me?"  She responded with a humble."yes, ma'am."  In that moment, I knew that the children were pliable, moldable, and that we could build on that into a relationship.

A couple of months later, and I was "in" the family.  After marriage though, I began to doubt.

I had been a single mom for almost ten years.  I had paid my own bills, created my own portfolio, dealt with all of the discipline, caring for my children, washing my car, cleaning my home, repairing my home.  I hadn't had a husband to do those things for me.  That is not to say that I didn't get help at times from others when I needed it, but primarily I did it all.

I remember the week we married, my husband and I were sitting on the couch and there was a bill to be paid.  He told me that he wanted me to use cash that we had on hand to pay the bill.  I had always paid the bill out of my direct deposit.  I was devastated.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I could see the look of confusion on my husbands face.

"You can have more of the money."  He says.  He begins handing me more money which causes me to cry even more.  By this time he is thoroughly confused and I am hurt.  Neither of us understand each other. You may not even understand at this point what is going on in my head, so let me tell you.

"I" have done it all.  I didn't have anyone telling me what to do, or how to do it.  I didn't have anyone "giving" me money.  I was in control and I was just now finding out, I had liked it that way.

Oh BOY!!  I only thought that "submission" a second go around would be easy.  NO WAY!!  Much harder!  I had done it my way for a long time and I had learned to be in control of my life and well pretty much everything around me.

Three months in, and being a mom of babies again was wearing on me pretty heavily.  Not to mention we were going through a lot of other issues at the same time.

My Bio children's dad was dying with cancer, his bio children's mom was angry at us.  It seemed like there was no appliance in our house that would stay working.  Our water kept getting shut off due to clerical error.  We both had blow outs on our vehicles and to top it all off he was laid off from work, and I was the sole provider and my job was almost 2 hours from home.

I didn't feel like I was making friends in the area, I didn't like my new church, I felt like I had been abandoned by those I loved.  It was a lot to deal with.

And at some point during this time,  I said to myself,  "I don't. "

"I don't think I can do this any more. I don't think I'm equipped to handle all of this stress.  I don't want these problems.   I don't want to have to answer to someone else.   I don't like working all these hours.  I don't want to be at this church.  I don't want my husband so involved with the church. I don't want the stress of an ex wife by proxy. I don't want my children to hurt because their dad's dying.  I don't like this.  I don't want to be here. I don't want to be married again after all.  I'm just not good at relationships apparently and I am not equipped for this. " All lies.  I'm sure you can guess from who.

It's funny how many more "I don'ts I said." Until I realized that with every I don't,  the focus is on me.   Completely opposite from what I'm told in scripture.   The bibles command is to take our focus off of ourselves and focus on him first and then others.  We are last.  But, we are fallen creatures and our focus is always directed by what we can get out of a situation if our eyes are not on Him.

I would love to say that this realization was an overnight thing,  but the truth is,  I still struggle with it.  Each time I find myself lapsing in basic Christian duty,  or just highly emotional,  I find myself misdirecting my focus onto myself.  

My former pastors wife Selah Helms was my accountability partner for about a year,  (I'll get into that more on a different post), but she once said to me,  and it was so true, that women have a tendency to pick up old idols when their PMSing.

Idolatry of self seems to me to be the greatest,  and the "I's" have it.   So the big question is,  what is my Christian response to "after I do,  maybe I don't."

First,  it is to recognize it's sin.   Now I'm not going into sexual grievances,  or abuse, again another post.   However,  in a normal quote-unquote home,  my response is to recognize and identify my sin.

On one occasion at our church, there was a sermon given that struck to the very heart of my being.  (Please don't ask for details. ) I felt like I was completely misunderstood and viewed as a heretic.  I struggled to come back to church for a couple of weeks and was physically ill because of it.

I called Lennie B Knight, an older woman in my former church for advise late one night. She listened as I wept and then gave me sound advice.

"Rachel," she said.   "Does your church teach the word of God?" My answer was yes!
She said, "You know that you are under the authority of your husband,  and God has made him the spiritual leader of your home.   He has to make that decision.   Take your concerns to him,  but then leave it in his hands.   Go where he leads you without complaint or murmuring."

Ugh!  Really!  Oh how my flesh battled.  It had been so hard,  that I would come home lay on my bed and cry and beg my husband, "Take me home, please!" (To my former church.)

But my spirit heard her words and knew she was right.  I am so grateful to her,  non emotional based biblical counsel.  This is what I crave.  Older women truly teaching the younger women practical biblical living.

I hit the alter often and wept great sorrow, but a few weeks later the situation was fixed..and I asked for forgiveness for my prideful and unsubmissive heart to my pastor.  Guess WHAT? God was glorified through it!

Another great Selah quote, I just love her! !, is,  "Some of the greatest battles are won by just manning your post. "

The world says,  "If you want something, you have to go get it for yourself, " and  "Say it loud, say it proud!"

But God says,  "Seek ye first, the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added into you." Matthew 6:33.  It also tells us that the "Meek will inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5.

How do we, "man, our post?"  Through perseverance and diligence, bible reading, prayer and fasting.

So much work! ! Yep,  it is,  but He is worth it.   AMEN?

2nd, In confessing my sin,  I recognized the lack of involvement of myself into ministry. I knew that had to change.   Focusing on his plan instead of my own.   Focusing on serving him instead of serving myself.

You know,  when the world is screaming,  "We are women,  hear us roar."  It is easy to fall into the, "I need some me time,  more often than not. "  Remember, I was wanting
my husband to be less involved,  not more. Conviction was strong.

What happened?,  Well,  not only did he not quit choir at my request, but then he told me he had been asked and desired to join the praise team.   My only, sad to say it,  but true motivation for saying I would be fine with it, was because I knew it was something he would enjoy.  My response was not for the edification of the saints and/or the glory of God at that time.

But now I was at crossroads,  what was I going to do?

First,  I had to stop trying to run my husbands relationship with God, and second,  I had to get my priorities straight.   I had to join (him, Nashu) in service.

I joined the choir.  Then slowly added service as God called.  Started singing specials, Sunday school teacher, Awanas, Youth and Children's Choir Director.  It is not a cake walk,  and I fall often in not being as diligent as I can be in service. But again it is a journey of sanctification.

In my submission to Christ I have found "all these things added. " I adore my husband and all of my children, I love my church, and I've made lots of friends,  I even have a few super close friends.

I want a relationship with my husbands ex wife, I have no where else I would rather be. I have seen my children grow even in losing their dad.

I am growing in my faith.   My relationship with my husband is awesome. God is even answering seemingly small physical prayers like giving me a garden and a small farm, and letting me write.

And I find myself everyday saying, "I do!!"

Soli Deo Gloria

Dearest Husband, I hope you don't mind. While you were at work today, I painted our leather couch :)

My Dear Amazing Husband,  Love of my life, Man that I adore,

I painted our couch.  You know how I had been talking about painting the furniture....and you were like....I don't know...paint is hard to the touch....well...I did a lot of research and I was relieved the other day when you said you trust me with our home, so....I painted the couch.

So here are the steps I took....I know you will want to see everything.  :)

First, here is a reminder of just what it looked like before hand.

In general seating area leather rubbed off pretty good

This was dirty water from cleaning it

Kids marker on the couch

Leather rubbed off of the couch

So, I went scrounging around in the shed and came up with the paint that we used to paint the boys room.  A nice light grey color.

I got my unsanded grout, and water and the grey paint and mixed it together...and went to work.

I used a large mason jar to hold the "chalk paint."  I added 1/4 cup unsanded grout, 1 cup water and about 1 1/2 cup paint, (more or less).

I had to stir this paint up pretty good before using it.

Then I started painting the couch.  I did the back first and then the rest.  Here are the results babe, I really hope you like it.

 Next came sides and front:

And last but not least here are the final pictures of how it looks now :)

I know you can't see that it is grey on here....most likely it looks pretty much the same...but it is not...it is grey....now for the chairs!! :)

With all my love,

Your wife and forever companion,

Rachel J. Barnard <3 <3 <3

The Best Weekend of My Marriage

My Husband and I will be married five years this August, fifteenth to be exact.  This weekend a month ago, we both agree, we had the best weekend of our marriage.

Nashu and I have always been good communicators.  At least we are good at sharing our thoughts. Maybe....not as good at listening to each others though.  Always formulating the response that we know will just stun the other with our eloquence.  Usually ending up with disappointment at our expectations not being met.

So, when I felt like I wasn't being heard, and Nashu felt like he wasn't being heard....but we both were talking and expressing ourselves but not understanding each other.   I took to the Internet to see if we could find some additional tools to help us out.

I was looking for something cost effective, because well to be frank, we have a lot of kids which equals not a lot of money!  I found a program called, "Marriage Encounter." http://www.agme.org/weekends/dallas-tx/   It touted being an inexpensive retreat with Mega- benefits to your marriage.  Designed not for marriages in crisis, but for those that want to build on what they already have.

We have a good marriage....sounded like a good fit and for seventy-five dollars per couple to include two hotel nights and five (three course) meals.  Crazy Amazing!  Getting away for a weekend alone at that cost was good enough, much less whatever tools they could give us.

We arrived on a Friday night, was checked in, got our room keys and name badges and went to our hotel room.  Approximately thirty minutes to an hour later we received a phone call from our host telling us that it was time to come down to the meeting room.

We arrived in the meeting room and found approximately 35-40 other couples at tables set up with hot drinks and candy available.  We were asked to introduce ourselves and tell something that we loved about our spouse.

I immediately was nervous.  I found myself holding my breath and wondering if I was going to make a fool of myself.  They started on our row!  Ugh!!  There was one couple and then us.  My husband stood up and said....uhm....something nice about me...and I couldn't even hear it because I was so worried about what I was going to say....and the worst part was...I couldn't think.

There are so many things that I love about my husband.  But I couldn't think of even one.  And now he was done...Oh lord help me I thought as I opened my mouth.  Still I couldn't think.  So I said the truth.  "There are so many things that I love about my husband.  If I had to pick one, I guess it would be....(and then it hit me....in a wave of great emotion...sent me spiralling into tears as I choked out the words..the thing that I do love the most about my husband), He treats my children as if they are his own."

The room went still and I was so embarrassed.  Why oh why did I have to break into tears like that!!  It was over and again I couldn't hear what others were saying until the room was almost done.  I could finally focus again on what others were saying.

This was the start of our weekend...and I had already discovered something that I felt.  That I knew deep down inside, but had not really expressed.  This was just the beginning.  I was deep in thought and excited to already have something happening that I couldn't explain.

The next day brought such a myriad of emotions as we explored so many aspects of our married life.  The best part about the whole thing was that we were only discussing our issues with each other.  For a matter of fact they discouraged talking with other couples at all except at meal times and even then all discussion was about each of us as couples.

They asked that at meal times we would not discuss our children, our jobs or our churches.  We were to focus not on what most of us find ourselves in..but in basking in our coupleness.

By mid Saturday afternoon, I told my husband I couldn't possibly cry any more, but they had told us they had something special planned for that evening.  We walked into a dimly lit room and I noticed that there were tissues placed all around the room.  I was like,  "NO!...I don't want to cry any more."  What happened next I can not tell, but what I can say was yes, there were tears and it was one of the best moments of the weekend.

Sunday, however was a breakthrough for me.  Again, on Sunday, I thought there was no way for them to top what they had done Saturday, but again,....I was mistaken.  On Sunday I discovered something amazing.

I discovered it was OK to be "in love" with my husband.  I will never forget that moment.  I loved my husband.  I adored him.  We were affectionate and communicative.  But, I had built a protection wall, that would not allow me to have the ooey gooey in love feelings that everyone knows so well.  That is when you get hurt.  I am so glad I had that breakthrough.

For my husband, on Sunday he said. "Rachel and I have always had a good marriage.  We have always communicated well.  I don't think that we have really learned anything new about each other this weekend, but for the first time we are really listening to each other in a new way.  Looking back, I would say we were actually strangers walking through the door."  See, now I was listening.  His words so powerful and meaningful to me.  I can't get enough of them.  We are listening to each other in a new way, a in love way.  A way that looks for the good in each other with the premise that each others intentions are good.  I am so glad that I am in love with my husband.

Most every night we still "work on our marriage" for twenty minutes a night, using the tools they gave us.  Best 20 minutes of my day, even though I usually cry.  We connect on a deeper level that I ever thought possible.

Go to Marriage Encounter...see what a difference it can make, I dare you!

Step Momma? or "Your not their momma!"

My husband and I married August of 2010, together we have five children. The two eldest are my bio children,  and the three youngest are his bio children.   But we have five children.

They are not considered his and mine to us. They are ours.  When I tell a story,  I say my daughter or my son even if referencing my step children,  because they are just that.

It always cracks me up when I'm telling a story about one of my babies, and the story is obviously about a young child and I reference  " my daughter or my son", the ten year old or the 9 year old twins,  and whoever I'm talking to says, "Crystal did that?" Or "Matthew did that? "  I am just as astonished that they would think I'm talking about my 18 year old or 16 year old!

I have come to realize that our society does not recognize the relationship between step parents and step children as viable, intimate and essential as they do bio parents as a whole, even though our nation is chock full of blended families.

This is further displayed in doctor visits and parent-teacher conferences.   Where they look only at the bio parents,  skipping my face as they talk as if I'm not even there.

It doesn't matter that they know that we have equal custody with their mom,  and that we have them week on week off, Friday to Friday...so I have them an equal amount of time as their bio mom.  

The world hears step mom and immediately thinks, "disentrested parent", "uninvolved parent", maybe even "unneeded parent," and lastly perhaps,  "not even their parent. "

For those of you who are involved,  caring, concerned,  loving,  engaging,  disciplining, affectionate, albeit not perfect "step parents" like myself,  you understand fully the frustration.

Maybe like me, you have had the bio parent go full on attack mode,  and every where you go people tell you the false things that have been being said about you and your spouse or insinuations made just attempting to make the world think negatively about you.

Maybe like me,  you have retaliated in frustration or anger, making sure your side is heard...quietly or loudly!  Only to regret it later. Realizing you are just as guilty through your gossip.

I have three steps that I have learned to follow to help myself in these situations.  I still falter at times,  but I'm striving to do these more and more. 

1.)  I have learned to focus on what God thinks of my actions,  not people.

You can ask my children what I base my actions on.   Because they have heard me say it over and over, for as much my own benefit as theirs.  They will tell you,  that I will say, ""I have to stand before God one day and give an account for my actions.  He is going to ask me,  "what did you do with the treasure I gave to you?"  I tell them,  "You little one are that treasure,"  and I will NOT stand before him and say,  "Well,  I really wanted them to like me so I just gave them what they wanted. "  Or, I was afraid of what others would say,  so I didn't discipline then the way I should. " (etc.)""

In this, I'm learning to lean on his promises, and trust him to do what he says.   Most importantly in his timing.   I don't do it perfectly,  and a lot of times I fall, but I'm learning that's ok too, that he loves us broken,  faulty people and saved us in our fallenness, so that he can be glorified.  My responsibility is to repent and turn from that sin, day by day,  hour by hour,  minute by minute.  I rely heavily on the scripture.   **Trust in the Lord, and do good.  Ps 37:3.**

2.) I've learned not to compete with their mom. I can't.   For starters,  they love me,  and they love their mom.   They love us differently and that is ok.  They call me Rachel, or stepmomma, but never mom, mommy or momma.  That is reserved for her,  and it should be.   I'm good with that and always have been.

It is so easy to get into a competitive mode.   Especially when there are issues as you are coming into the children's lives and (usually unintentionally), you view yourself as their savior of a sorts.

So, when the Bio parent starts being a better parent, and the kids are responding positively,  (which is what you ultimately want, but never expected to see), it is easy to fall into the (I can do it better competition), which is disastrous for all involved.

I learned to back out of anything I saw her needing as their mom to take ownership of.

I backed out of school activities and doctor visits.  Not because of the feeling of being unimportant, but because I saw she felt the competition bug too and between the two of us the kids were getting squished...figuratively of course.

My husband and I decided that we were going to raise the children in our home as if she didn't exist.  Now, don't get angry, hear what I mean.

It's not that we think she's not important, we absolutely know she is important. Further,  it's not even excluding her from necessary things, we make a point to include her on important issues.

Rather, we are not basing our decisions on raising our children on what she thinks, but solely on what God thinks.

This alone has caused more harmony in our home.   Especially because our world view and hers had always collided.

3.) I have learned to fall more in love with my husband and make him number two in my life.   Thats right, truly number two. God is my first love,  my husband is second, and my kiddos third.  In this,  I focus less on how I feel as their stepmom or others percieve me as their step mom and more on how my husband views me as their stepmom.

I had always thought I had the priority structure right. God, husband, children, ministry, etc...and I even thought my husband and I communicated well, until he and I attended a marriage retreat recently through AG Marriage Encounter.  We learned more about each other in one weekend than we thought possible.

It was incredible and has helped us to communicate better about our children and his ex wife than ever before.   Truly life changing.  It helped me deal with insecurities and jealousies, and the competitiveness on a different playing field.
One where we dialogue in a different way now.  A full on... loving,... in love kind of way that makes us view each other as having basic good intentions, regardless of how we are "feeling."

I now go through my husband when I need to engage their mom.  Instead of being led by my emotion, I'm being led by my husband into better communication with his ex wife.

**Scripture tells us that in this life we will have trouble,  but to take heart for Christ has over come the world. John 16:33.**

If our faith and trust is in him.   If he is truly Lord and Master of our lives, then we can live free to be the parents, or step parents he has called us to be.

On a side note:  The relationship that I have with my kids bio mom is starting to mend, and for that I can only give glory to God.