Step Momma? or "Your not their momma!"

My husband and I married August of 2010, together we have five children. The two eldest are my bio children,  and the three youngest are his bio children.   But we have five children.

They are not considered his and mine to us. They are ours.  When I tell a story,  I say my daughter or my son even if referencing my step children,  because they are just that.

It always cracks me up when I'm telling a story about one of my babies, and the story is obviously about a young child and I reference  " my daughter or my son", the ten year old or the 9 year old twins,  and whoever I'm talking to says, "Crystal did that?" Or "Matthew did that? "  I am just as astonished that they would think I'm talking about my 18 year old or 16 year old!

I have come to realize that our society does not recognize the relationship between step parents and step children as viable, intimate and essential as they do bio parents as a whole, even though our nation is chock full of blended families.

This is further displayed in doctor visits and parent-teacher conferences.   Where they look only at the bio parents,  skipping my face as they talk as if I'm not even there.

It doesn't matter that they know that we have equal custody with their mom,  and that we have them week on week off, Friday to Friday...so I have them an equal amount of time as their bio mom.  

The world hears step mom and immediately thinks, "disentrested parent", "uninvolved parent", maybe even "unneeded parent," and lastly perhaps,  "not even their parent. "

For those of you who are involved,  caring, concerned,  loving,  engaging,  disciplining, affectionate, albeit not perfect "step parents" like myself,  you understand fully the frustration.

Maybe like me, you have had the bio parent go full on attack mode,  and every where you go people tell you the false things that have been being said about you and your spouse or insinuations made just attempting to make the world think negatively about you.

Maybe like me,  you have retaliated in frustration or anger, making sure your side is heard...quietly or loudly!  Only to regret it later. Realizing you are just as guilty through your gossip.

I have three steps that I have learned to follow to help myself in these situations.  I still falter at times,  but I'm striving to do these more and more. 

1.)  I have learned to focus on what God thinks of my actions,  not people.

You can ask my children what I base my actions on.   Because they have heard me say it over and over, for as much my own benefit as theirs.  They will tell you,  that I will say, ""I have to stand before God one day and give an account for my actions.  He is going to ask me,  "what did you do with the treasure I gave to you?"  I tell them,  "You little one are that treasure,"  and I will NOT stand before him and say,  "Well,  I really wanted them to like me so I just gave them what they wanted. "  Or, I was afraid of what others would say,  so I didn't discipline then the way I should. " (etc.)""

In this, I'm learning to lean on his promises, and trust him to do what he says.   Most importantly in his timing.   I don't do it perfectly,  and a lot of times I fall, but I'm learning that's ok too, that he loves us broken,  faulty people and saved us in our fallenness, so that he can be glorified.  My responsibility is to repent and turn from that sin, day by day,  hour by hour,  minute by minute.  I rely heavily on the scripture.   **Trust in the Lord, and do good.  Ps 37:3.**

2.) I've learned not to compete with their mom. I can't.   For starters,  they love me,  and they love their mom.   They love us differently and that is ok.  They call me Rachel, or stepmomma, but never mom, mommy or momma.  That is reserved for her,  and it should be.   I'm good with that and always have been.

It is so easy to get into a competitive mode.   Especially when there are issues as you are coming into the children's lives and (usually unintentionally), you view yourself as their savior of a sorts.

So, when the Bio parent starts being a better parent, and the kids are responding positively,  (which is what you ultimately want, but never expected to see), it is easy to fall into the (I can do it better competition), which is disastrous for all involved.

I learned to back out of anything I saw her needing as their mom to take ownership of.

I backed out of school activities and doctor visits.  Not because of the feeling of being unimportant, but because I saw she felt the competition bug too and between the two of us the kids were getting squished...figuratively of course.

My husband and I decided that we were going to raise the children in our home as if she didn't exist.  Now, don't get angry, hear what I mean.

It's not that we think she's not important, we absolutely know she is important. Further,  it's not even excluding her from necessary things, we make a point to include her on important issues.

Rather, we are not basing our decisions on raising our children on what she thinks, but solely on what God thinks.

This alone has caused more harmony in our home.   Especially because our world view and hers had always collided.

3.) I have learned to fall more in love with my husband and make him number two in my life.   Thats right, truly number two. God is my first love,  my husband is second, and my kiddos third.  In this,  I focus less on how I feel as their stepmom or others percieve me as their step mom and more on how my husband views me as their stepmom.

I had always thought I had the priority structure right. God, husband, children, ministry, etc...and I even thought my husband and I communicated well, until he and I attended a marriage retreat recently through AG Marriage Encounter.  We learned more about each other in one weekend than we thought possible.

It was incredible and has helped us to communicate better about our children and his ex wife than ever before.   Truly life changing.  It helped me deal with insecurities and jealousies, and the competitiveness on a different playing field.
One where we dialogue in a different way now.  A full on... loving,... in love kind of way that makes us view each other as having basic good intentions, regardless of how we are "feeling."

I now go through my husband when I need to engage their mom.  Instead of being led by my emotion, I'm being led by my husband into better communication with his ex wife.

**Scripture tells us that in this life we will have trouble,  but to take heart for Christ has over come the world. John 16:33.**

If our faith and trust is in him.   If he is truly Lord and Master of our lives, then we can live free to be the parents, or step parents he has called us to be.

On a side note:  The relationship that I have with my kids bio mom is starting to mend, and for that I can only give glory to God.