After I do.....what if I don't?

The first time that I met my new children, my husband and I weren't married yet.  It was actually just a short time before we married, because our courtship was a whirlwind adventure.  Five months from meeting we were married.

This first meeting, however, was exhausting.  From the moment I met the girls, Samantha and Brooklyn, they wanted to be held.  They were clingy, needy and demanding.  Fox was a little standoffish, not knowing what to expect or how to interact with me.

My back was hurting this particular day, I had been a cop for about 7 1/2 - 8 years and overtime I had developed some back issues due to the vest.  Samantha was five and was wanting a back ride.  I told her maybe in a little while and she continued to persist.

A little while later, she tugged on my shirt and demanded. "I want a back ride now!"  I got down on eye level with her and I said, "little girl, you will not talk to me like that, do you understand me?"  She responded with a humble."yes, ma'am."  In that moment, I knew that the children were pliable, moldable, and that we could build on that into a relationship.

A couple of months later, and I was "in" the family.  After marriage though, I began to doubt.

I had been a single mom for almost ten years.  I had paid my own bills, created my own portfolio, dealt with all of the discipline, caring for my children, washing my car, cleaning my home, repairing my home.  I hadn't had a husband to do those things for me.  That is not to say that I didn't get help at times from others when I needed it, but primarily I did it all.

I remember the week we married, my husband and I were sitting on the couch and there was a bill to be paid.  He told me that he wanted me to use cash that we had on hand to pay the bill.  I had always paid the bill out of my direct deposit.  I was devastated.  Tears welled up in my eyes and I could see the look of confusion on my husbands face.

"You can have more of the money."  He says.  He begins handing me more money which causes me to cry even more.  By this time he is thoroughly confused and I am hurt.  Neither of us understand each other. You may not even understand at this point what is going on in my head, so let me tell you.

"I" have done it all.  I didn't have anyone telling me what to do, or how to do it.  I didn't have anyone "giving" me money.  I was in control and I was just now finding out, I had liked it that way.

Oh BOY!!  I only thought that "submission" a second go around would be easy.  NO WAY!!  Much harder!  I had done it my way for a long time and I had learned to be in control of my life and well pretty much everything around me.

Three months in, and being a mom of babies again was wearing on me pretty heavily.  Not to mention we were going through a lot of other issues at the same time.

My Bio children's dad was dying with cancer, his bio children's mom was angry at us.  It seemed like there was no appliance in our house that would stay working.  Our water kept getting shut off due to clerical error.  We both had blow outs on our vehicles and to top it all off he was laid off from work, and I was the sole provider and my job was almost 2 hours from home.

I didn't feel like I was making friends in the area, I didn't like my new church, I felt like I had been abandoned by those I loved.  It was a lot to deal with.

And at some point during this time,  I said to myself,  "I don't. "

"I don't think I can do this any more. I don't think I'm equipped to handle all of this stress.  I don't want these problems.   I don't want to have to answer to someone else.   I don't like working all these hours.  I don't want to be at this church.  I don't want my husband so involved with the church. I don't want the stress of an ex wife by proxy. I don't want my children to hurt because their dad's dying.  I don't like this.  I don't want to be here. I don't want to be married again after all.  I'm just not good at relationships apparently and I am not equipped for this. " All lies.  I'm sure you can guess from who.

It's funny how many more "I don'ts I said." Until I realized that with every I don't,  the focus is on me.   Completely opposite from what I'm told in scripture.   The bibles command is to take our focus off of ourselves and focus on him first and then others.  We are last.  But, we are fallen creatures and our focus is always directed by what we can get out of a situation if our eyes are not on Him.

I would love to say that this realization was an overnight thing,  but the truth is,  I still struggle with it.  Each time I find myself lapsing in basic Christian duty,  or just highly emotional,  I find myself misdirecting my focus onto myself.  

My former pastors wife Selah Helms was my accountability partner for about a year,  (I'll get into that more on a different post), but she once said to me,  and it was so true, that women have a tendency to pick up old idols when their PMSing.

Idolatry of self seems to me to be the greatest,  and the "I's" have it.   So the big question is,  what is my Christian response to "after I do,  maybe I don't."

First,  it is to recognize it's sin.   Now I'm not going into sexual grievances,  or abuse, again another post.   However,  in a normal quote-unquote home,  my response is to recognize and identify my sin.

On one occasion at our church, there was a sermon given that struck to the very heart of my being.  (Please don't ask for details. ) I felt like I was completely misunderstood and viewed as a heretic.  I struggled to come back to church for a couple of weeks and was physically ill because of it.

I called Lennie B Knight, an older woman in my former church for advise late one night. She listened as I wept and then gave me sound advice.

"Rachel," she said.   "Does your church teach the word of God?" My answer was yes!
She said, "You know that you are under the authority of your husband,  and God has made him the spiritual leader of your home.   He has to make that decision.   Take your concerns to him,  but then leave it in his hands.   Go where he leads you without complaint or murmuring."

Ugh!  Really!  Oh how my flesh battled.  It had been so hard,  that I would come home lay on my bed and cry and beg my husband, "Take me home, please!" (To my former church.)

But my spirit heard her words and knew she was right.  I am so grateful to her,  non emotional based biblical counsel.  This is what I crave.  Older women truly teaching the younger women practical biblical living.

I hit the alter often and wept great sorrow, but a few weeks later the situation was fixed..and I asked for forgiveness for my prideful and unsubmissive heart to my pastor.  Guess WHAT? God was glorified through it!

Another great Selah quote, I just love her! !, is,  "Some of the greatest battles are won by just manning your post. "

The world says,  "If you want something, you have to go get it for yourself, " and  "Say it loud, say it proud!"

But God says,  "Seek ye first, the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added into you." Matthew 6:33.  It also tells us that the "Meek will inherit the earth." Matthew 5:5.

How do we, "man, our post?"  Through perseverance and diligence, bible reading, prayer and fasting.

So much work! ! Yep,  it is,  but He is worth it.   AMEN?

2nd, In confessing my sin,  I recognized the lack of involvement of myself into ministry. I knew that had to change.   Focusing on his plan instead of my own.   Focusing on serving him instead of serving myself.

You know,  when the world is screaming,  "We are women,  hear us roar."  It is easy to fall into the, "I need some me time,  more often than not. "  Remember, I was wanting
my husband to be less involved,  not more. Conviction was strong.

What happened?,  Well,  not only did he not quit choir at my request, but then he told me he had been asked and desired to join the praise team.   My only, sad to say it,  but true motivation for saying I would be fine with it, was because I knew it was something he would enjoy.  My response was not for the edification of the saints and/or the glory of God at that time.

But now I was at crossroads,  what was I going to do?

First,  I had to stop trying to run my husbands relationship with God, and second,  I had to get my priorities straight.   I had to join (him, Nashu) in service.

I joined the choir.  Then slowly added service as God called.  Started singing specials, Sunday school teacher, Awanas, Youth and Children's Choir Director.  It is not a cake walk,  and I fall often in not being as diligent as I can be in service. But again it is a journey of sanctification.

In my submission to Christ I have found "all these things added. " I adore my husband and all of my children, I love my church, and I've made lots of friends,  I even have a few super close friends.

I want a relationship with my husbands ex wife, I have no where else I would rather be. I have seen my children grow even in losing their dad.

I am growing in my faith.   My relationship with my husband is awesome. God is even answering seemingly small physical prayers like giving me a garden and a small farm, and letting me write.

And I find myself everyday saying, "I do!!"

Soli Deo Gloria